


Kinda Like Paris and Menelaus, Only Not!

by americanphancakes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: But it's not peaceful, F/M, Fighting, Like violent clumsy fighting where they injure each other, M/M, Multi, Nothing serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 20:55:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15804411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanphancakes/pseuds/americanphancakes
Summary: Dan liked her. Phil liked her. But only one of them got her.Literally just 1200 words of platonic best friends fighting over a girl with a pretentious "look at me I know what the Trojan War is!" title. Written for the Phandom Fic Fests "Fic You're Afraid to Write" flash fest.





	Kinda Like Paris and Menelaus, Only Not!

**Author's Note:**

> It was really hard to tag this since the girl is mentioned but not ever seen, and it's ABOUT the relationship between Dan and Phil, but romantically the pairing is with a girl, so... There's that. 
> 
> And also, how violent is this really? There's some blood, but not much, mostly it's just bruises and restraint. This isn't a graceful fight, they're essentially a couple of man-babies in this. So... Yeah, I don't know lol. I gave it an archive warning just in case.
> 
> I figured it was better to over-tag than under-tag. I don't know what'll upset people, you know?
> 
> Anyway... Enjoy? I guess? XD (And if you like it - I mean, I dunno, you might - [you can always reblog it on tumblr!](https://americanphancakes.tumblr.com/post/177414579163/kinda-like-paris-and-menelaus-only-not))

“How are things?” Phil asked tersely, standing in the doorway. I was literally the only thing standing between him and his things, and the bitterness I felt prevented me from letting him have them. I was little more than a bridge troll right then, I’ll admit.

“Fine,” I answered.

“Been spending time with Amelia, then?”

“Loads.”

“Great. Can I get by?”

“Sure,” I said. My arms were folded, though, and I didn’t move.

Phil scoffed and pushed past me. He tripped over my foot, and, like a child, I let him fall.

“Sorry,” I said bluntly and in no way honestly.

Phil took a breath. And then another. It seemed like he was about to cry, but he lunged at me with the ferocity of an angry lion. I yelped as I fell onto my back and Phil punched my shoulder. I pushed him off me and he rolled backward. I tried to stand up, but he yanked at the bottom hem of my jeans and I tripped forward. Now prone, I tried to push myself up only to have Phil tackle me. His body weight pushed down on my back and he grabbed my arm, pulling it back and up.

“Aaahh!” I yelled as my flexibility was tested. “Get the fuck off me!!” I tried to reach back and slap him or grab him or something, but my hand only succeeded in waving around awkwardly in his general direction. Phil responded by grabbing it so he had control of both wrists. He folded my arms behind my back and leaned on them. I squirmed, trying to buck him off like an angry bull, but I was too weak to succeed that way. I rolled hard to one side, causing Phil to lose his balance and tumble into the wall next to us. My hands now free, I stood just as I heard the loud  _ thump _ of Phil’s head hitting the wall.

“Oh shit, are you ok-- FUCK!”

Phil had taken advantage of my moment of weakness and pushed me down to the floor again.

The surface of his palm hit my face repeatedly as I lay there, squirming and pushing and trying to get him off me.

“You bastard!” he yelled. “How could you do this to me? How could you take her away from me!? You fucking-- You knew I liked her! You  _ knew _ and you took her for yourself!”

Phil’s screams were almost incomprehensible to me given the dark fog I felt like I was in. The slapping, the yelling, the failure to escape Phil’s grip and body weight, it was all too much to deal with. In order to collect myself I stopped squirming and focused on my own breathing. I let Phil get the anger out of his system. Took the abuse. Took the anger. Until I was ready to take control again.

It felt like I exploded him off me. My arms shot out and I stood up, leaving Phil in shock on his back, like a turtle, unable to right himself.

“You were my best friend,” I said, staggering, holding my elbow in pain. I was loud, but I wasn’t yelling. I was just stating a fact.

“Yeah, and you were mine,” Phil said back. He struggled to stand and put a hand on his head where he’d hit the wall earlier. “So how could you do that?”

“I. Didn’t. Know.” I announced.

“Bullshit!” Phil shrieked, punching me hard in the shoulder and knocking me back a bit. I stepped back, but regained my balance quickly. I was able to spring forward and tackle him to the ground again. Now my body weight was on him and I was leaning forward, pinning his wrists to the floor.

“I didn’t!” I insisted, yelling into his terrified-looking face. It actually started to hurt me to see him so scared and sad. I lowered my volume a little. “If I’d known, I never would have asked her out.”

“But you  _ always _ know how I feel,” Phil said. “About  _ everything.” _ He started crying. “You know me better than anyone. You just didn’t  _ want _ to see that I liked her too!”

His tears hit the floor behind his head, dropping hard like chunks of ice shattering.

I slowly pulled myself away from him and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. “Fuck,” I whispered. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back.

Phil cautiously sat up and leaned against the wall next to me. He sniffled. I opened one eye and looked at him, realizing that my other eye had begun to swell up.

“We look like shit, don’t we?” I asked.

Phil chuckled sadly. “Yeah, yeah we do.”

“Are we terrible people?”

“We, uh… we’re not at our best right now.”

“Phil, tell me honestly…”

“Hm?”

“How bad is my lip bleeding right now? Because…”

Phil laughed.

“I figure…” he replied, “if you get the girl, you get the injuries.”

“Oh like you’re not injured.”

“I’m really not. I don’t know if you noticed but you’re very focused on defensive moves.”

“Shit. I always have been a wimp, I guess.”

“No, Dan. You… you’re a better person than me. I just panicked and attacked. You were at least making some attempt to minimize damage here.”

“How’s your head?”

“Oh. Uh… it hurts, but I think it’s just a bruise. Just a good old fashioned bump on the head. Not, like, a concussion or anything.”

“Okay. Good.”

“How’s your… uh… everything?”

“Ow,” I laughed.

“You can have her,” Phil suddenly said after a quiet moment. “I mean, you were the one who was brave enough to ask her out. I don’t have any right to whine about it.”

“Phil, I’ll break up with her if it’ll make you feel better.”

“But that’s the thing, it won’t. If she’s happy with you, what right do I have to take that away from her? I’d rather her be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

“God damn it, Phil. Why do you have to turn this into a moral dilemma for me?”

“Hm?”

“You’re literally making me choose between her happiness and yours, whether you realize it or not.”

“I’m expressly telling you  _ not _ to do that! Right now she’s happy with you and we know that. Don’t break up with her on the off chance she might be happy with me. We  _ know _ she likes you. And she deserves happiness just as much as either of us do, yeah?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“She’s not a thing, Dan. She’s not some achievement in a game. She’s a person. And if she’s chosen you… she’s chosen you.”

“I’m really sorry, Phil.”

“Yeah, well…” Phil shrugged, and my heart broke for him.

“I love you, you know. You  _ are _ my best friend.”

“Yeah, I know. I love you too.”

“Come on,” I said, standing up and offering Phil my hand. “Let’s get ourselves iced and antisepticked.”

Phil smiled a bit as I helped him stand. “Ow. What the hell, why does my face hurt?”

A new bruise had begun to form on the side of his face.

“Something tells me we won’t be able to film any videos for a few days,” I laughed.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I mean at least it ended happy, yeah? Kinda.
> 
> Sorry the fighting didn't lead to them banging on the floor. Apologies if you were hoping for that. XD
> 
> [Click here for the link on tumblr!](https://americanphancakes.tumblr.com/post/177414579163/kinda-like-paris-and-menelaus-only-not)


End file.
